No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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