Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
