Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
