I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
