Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
