Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
