Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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