I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
