another moral hangover. fuck.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
too bad you live with your parents still
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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