I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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