I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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