I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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