Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize