So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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