I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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