I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
