i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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