So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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