i just had sex bonerless
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
