I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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