Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you never un-have a 4some
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
