you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
