Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
