This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
