East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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