Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
