I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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