New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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