Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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