Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
