life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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