I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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