I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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