Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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