The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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