New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
