glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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