fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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