im drinking this country out of the recession.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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