if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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