i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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