Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
