kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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