Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
