I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
