I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
