I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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