he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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