I met the friendliest cop last night
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
