Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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