I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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