My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize