I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
