I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
