the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
