the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
