i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
