Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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