I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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