Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
