just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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