We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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