My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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