I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
