Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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