tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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