I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
