Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize
