"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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