I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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